


The Broken Replicator Job

by CharleyFoxtrot



Series: Texts From the Enterprise [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Twitter, implication that TOS-era ships had replicators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 00:51:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8946553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CharleyFoxtrot/pseuds/CharleyFoxtrot
Summary: "I'm just saying, every time Scotty fucks with the replicator and it ain't booze-related, my workload increases by about 50%."Bones and Sulu and Twitter.





	1. Chapter 1

I don't trust whatever just came out of the replicator. Scotty tricked it into producing a good bourbon and I'm grateful. But this... No.

— Leonard McCoy (@LCDR_McCoy) [December 22, 2016](https://twitter.com/LCDR_McCoy/status/811739831663370244)  


**ѼѼѼѼѼѼѼѼ**

I'm just saying, every time Scotty fucks with the replicator and it ain't booze-related, my workload increases by about 50%.

— Leonard McCoy (@LCDR_McCoy) [December 22, 2016](https://twitter.com/LCDR_McCoy/status/811740012710490113)  


**ѼѼѼѼѼѼѼѼ**

It's monkfish, you paranoid jackass. It's *supposed* to look like that. <https://t.co/hcroeJGMBn>

— Hikaru Sulu (@sulu_shitposts) [December 22, 2016](https://twitter.com/sulu_shitposts/status/811740749280620544)  


**ѼѼѼѼѼѼѼѼ**

Last time I checked, the order is for monkfish *liver*. Not the whole damn fish. And yet, here I am, staring at a fucking fish. <https://t.co/jTXTrSjQs0>

— Leonard McCoy (@LCDR_McCoy) [December 22, 2016](https://twitter.com/LCDR_McCoy/status/811741047264931840)  


**ѼѼѼѼѼѼѼѼ**

So cut it open. You're a doctor, right? <https://t.co/FZDBDWhMh0>

— Hikaru Sulu (@sulu_shitposts) [December 22, 2016](https://twitter.com/sulu_shitposts/status/811741308997890048)  


**ѼѼѼѼѼѼѼѼ**

I'm a doctor, not a goddamn sous chef. And I didn't even order monkfish liver. I ordered pot pie. You see why I may be a little concerned? <https://t.co/7fNi6PcjBm>

— Leonard McCoy (@LCDR_McCoy) [December 22, 2016](https://twitter.com/LCDR_McCoy/status/811741545887977472)  


**ѼѼѼѼѼѼѼѼ**

I will concede that that is a little concerning. I'll ask Uhura to talk to Scotty. He's afraid of her, he'll listen. <https://t.co/uozK6Vx4PH>

— Hikaru Sulu (@sulu_shitposts) [December 22, 2016](https://twitter.com/sulu_shitposts/status/811741775819702272)  


**ѼѼѼѼѼѼѼѼ**

Everyone on this ship except Spock and Captain Jackass is - wisely - terrified of Uhura. What do you have on her? <https://t.co/88Jwh5CaWO>

— Leonard McCoy (@LCDR_McCoy) [December 22, 2016](https://twitter.com/LCDR_McCoy/status/811742095148924928)  


**ѼѼѼѼѼѼѼѼ**

No comment. <https://t.co/ID6GiQZz6E>

— Hikaru Sulu (@sulu_shitposts) [December 22, 2016](https://twitter.com/sulu_shitposts/status/811742178066059264)  



	2. Chapter 2

**To:** mscott@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**CC:** lhmccoy@enterprise.starfleet.mil, suluh@enterprise.starfleet.mil, jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** nuuhura@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** Replicators

_**Fix. It.** _

* * *

**To:** mscott@enterprise.starfleet.mil, lhmccoy@enterprise.starfleet.mil, jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** suluh@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** Re: Replicators

Scotty, I was gonna tell her to ask you to fix it, but then your precious replicators spat out some sort of _moving seaweed_ when she ordered a chocolate lava cake. _You're on her shit list. **Hustle**._

\- Hikaru

* * *

**To:** mscott@enterprise.starfleet.mil, suluh@enterprise.starfleet.mil, jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** lhmccoy@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** Re: Replicators

For the love of _God_ , fix it. She actually _broke someone's arm_ sparring today.

-bones

* * *

**To:** mscott@enterprise.starfleet.mil, suluh@enterprise.starfleet.mil, lhmccoy@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** Re: Replicators

It was _my_ arm. Fix it _now_ , Mr. Scott. _Goddamnit_ , Bones, it's _fine_ , just gimme the _fucking_ bonese-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil

Captain, Lieutenant Commander Uhura informed me that she caused you injury while sparring this afternoon. While I encourage the two of you working out excess energy in this fashion, as I've been reliably informed that this is how humans, "blow off steam," I would suggest that both of you also find different sparring partners. Lieutenant Commander Uhura is well-versed in several martial arts, including the ancient Vulcan _Suus Mahna_. Not to slight your own battle prowess, sir, but to borrow a phrase of your own, I believe she could easily "kick your ass."

\- Commander Spock

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

Spock, that Vulcan integrity must be a _hell_ of a thing if you haven't hacked my record and found-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

the list of martial arts _I_ trained in at the Academy, let _alone_ the ones I've learned over the last-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

three years. Not to brag, but the _Suus Mahna_ is only one of the _lesser_ forms I've learned, so may-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

-be don't make assumptions about what I can and cannot do with regards to fighting. After all, I _wa_ -

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

- _s_ , to quote Pike, the _only_ genius-level repeat offender in the Midwest. I _know my fighting,_ is what I-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

-m saying. Uhura and I spar twice a week and we split wins. She's _particularly_ pissed off this we-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

-ek because she received a plate full of some sort of Klingon salad that _moves_ when she ordered chocola-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

-te, and frankly _I'd_ wanna break bones after that too. Speaking of, my arm is broken and it's gonna take-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

a few hours to fix, according to Bones - hah, _Bones for my bones_ \- so I'm stuck giving orders voice-only-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

so can you quarantine the replicators ship-wide and get Chekhov to help you redistribute some staff-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

to cook and help with medication prep in sickbay until Scotty fixes this? Otherwise everyone's go-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

-nna get like twenty messages from me because of the stupid fucking voice-to-text limit. Thanks, Ki-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
 **From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil

rk out.

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** mscott@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**CC:** lhmccoy@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** Replicator malfunction

Commander Scott, I believe the replicators are malfunctioning. This has led to at least one injury, tangentially, and thus I must request that you fix this as soon as possible. In the meantime I am forced to draw from the ship's emergency stores and redistribute staff who would normally be in other sectors to help prepare food for the ship's staff, and help Doctor McCoy in preparing medications.

Please repair this as quickly as possible.

Additionally, when that is accomplished I would appreciate it greatly if you would look into expanding the voice-to-text limiter for the messaging program the ship uses.

\- Commander Spock

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**CC:** lhmccoy@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** mscott@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** Re: Replicator malfunction

I'd be able to fix this a lot easier if everyone'd stop buzzing me every second to -- FUCK-

_**voice address limit reached** _

* * *

**To:** staff@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** Replicator Quarantine

As many of you may have noticed, the replicators are currently malfunctioning. Please cease using them immediately.

A roster has been drawn up for personnel to report to sick bay to prepare medication for Doctor McCoy, or to the galley to help prepare food, based on observed talents, preferences, and recent competency exam scores. Those who are affected by the change will receive a message with your new shift and duty shortly.

Additionally, Commander Scott has requested that the staff cease messaging him about the issue.

\- Commander Spock

* * *

**To:** EveryoneButSpock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** Re: Replicator Quarantine

Everyone, stay the _fuck_ away from Uhura. I mean it.

* * *

**To:** jtkirk@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** nuuhura@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** Re: Replicator Quarantine

Why do you have an "everyone but Spock" email set up? And why didn't occur to you, genius that you are, that "everyone but Spock" _includes me_?

* * *

**To:** spock@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**From:** lhmccoy@enterprise.starfleet.mil  
**Subject:** You're in charge

Jim just got delivered back down here with a concussion. By your girlfriend. Is she still your girlfriend? Anyway, he's out like a light, apparently sparring again despite me telling him not to. Ship's yours for at least 12 hours. Have fun with the replicator shenanigans.

-bones


End file.
